School

School seems to be going pretty good right now. I am really worried about this composition class. The teacher seems to concentrate on grammar and that has never been one of my strong points. So far I'm not doing to bad and I hope to keep that up. My other class is personal finance and that is easy for me. I will be glad when I get school done because I'm pretty sure I'm becoming a recluse by spending so much of my time at home. I never want to leave the house and get annoyed when I have to. I'm going to start walking at least a mile every day once I get Jessie walking to school. This will help some. Wish it would help with my weight but with my thyroid all messed up nothing will help there until they can figure out what to do about it.

Life and Weight

Nathen and I went walking with the dogs last night the getting out seems to have helped me some.  I need to start moving more when the kids go back to school I'm gonna try and get to the gym as much as possible I really want to get this weight off. If everything goes okay we will be getting married in December and I can't wait but I want to be rid of all this extra weight by then. I know I can do it I just have to work at it. He promised we would walk every night now I just hope he doesn't have to work a lot of overtime otherwise he won't feel like taking me for a walk every night.

Life

Life seems to get in the way of living sometimes. Sometimes we forget that the bills don't matter what matters is keeping our family together and strong.

Life

Life seems to be going okay right now. We are gonna get Nathen's son for the entire weekend. First time he will have stayed with us. He is such a good kid. Gonna have his little brother as well but he is not Nathen's son. Their mom is working double shifts and is letting us keep them. Looking forward to all the time with them. I applied for a job last Friday and had an interview on Tuesday. I'm really hoping I get the job. I will find out next week when my next set of classes start. Looking forward to getting back to school and getting my degree. Glad it is Thursday, today is Nathen's last day of the week and we can get things ready for the boys and hillbilly days. I'm finally getting back into my exercise routine and that should help me feel better about a lot of things including myself. Life is good, God is great, and people are crazy.

School Update

So far the class I did the worst in high school I'm getting the best grade. This intro to university studies class is throwing me for a loop. I've never had to take test and explain why I learn the way I do. I didn't realize there were so many different ways to learn. I new that we all learned different but wow is there alot of different ones. It is very hard to judge yourself and how you would do something.
I need some new supplies I know that my stapler sucks. It won't put 35 pages together. I'm going through ink pretty quick as well.
Got my first refund check from the school and now I need to get a new picture ID so I can open an account for me to cash the next two.

School

I can't believe how well school is going right now. I was scared to death of failing, but that is just how I am about these things. My worst subject in high school was sceince and I'm getting a good grade in that class.

I AM A PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!

Monday May 3,2010

It's hard to believe it's already the month of May. Wish I could find a way to get some money coming in sooner but that will have to wait. I told Nathen I would go back to Tracker if they would hire me b/c we need the money to pay these bills. School is going okay so far. I'm just hoping for a C average at this point I just want to pass each class and get my degree as soon as possible. The sooner I get my degree the sooner more and better pay will be coming into this household. I'm not sure how we are going to make it but I hope it will all work out in the end.
My life seems to be crumbling and I feel to blame I must find a way to rebuild before the foundation disappears.

School

School seems to be going okay so far. I need new glasses really bad. Once we get caught up from the move I'm gonna get an exam and then get some new ones. I had a complete black out last night couldn't see Nathens face, really scared me. Hope I'm able to get glasses or contacts before it gets to bad for help.  After I get the kids off to school I need to get class done today so I can rest my eyes.

Time

Time has changed for me since I started all this new medication. It moves so slowly sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a time warp. Then I will hit a manic phase and I feel like I'm going fast and the world has stopped.
I go to the doctor tomorrow maybe then I can get better.

School

Going back to school at my age can be very scary. The online process is so fascinating it changes the whole experience. I do school on my schedule not theres. So far I would recommend becoming a phoenix.

Bus driver

The girls bus driver is late every morning so then they get to school late. Jessie gets there with only 5 mins till class so no breakfast and she is like me she needs to be up awhile before she eats. Her sister eats here but if they don't fix the problem soon I'm gonna blow a gasket. The girls should be picked up at 7:00 am and he is 9 to 12 mins late every morning. I've called the bus barn and that will probably do no good. They all ready don't like me cause you upset my girls I'm calling. So glad mom can pick them up from school I would hate for them to ride the bus home. Just to avoid the bus I don't let Nathen sleep in on Friday so we can take them to school because this is getting out of hand.

Why am I up?

Our dog Bolt woke me up at his normal time around 4:30 am. Now I can't go back to sleep. I suppose there are a million things I could be doing besides sitting at the computer but I don't want to do them. Maybe I'm just nervous about starting online school on Monday? Which I am but it will be such an improvement for my family in the long run. I will be able to get a good job and hopefully Nathen can go back to school then. I would like to get him a better job. I know it's just not like being in the Navy but I hope I can find something that will make him happy.

Wedding

We are gonna have to postpone the wedding. Nathen's ex is fighting on turning over paperwork for the child custody agreement and to prove her other kid is not his. I don't want to but the money will go to something more important Nathen getting set time with his son. He is a good father. Once we get to court I'll set the new wedding date and start the replanning process.

Thursday

Thursday.

So glad it's Thursday. Nathen's weekend starts. We finished getting all the carpet pulled up and are now ready to sand down the wood and revarnish it.This is why the carpet came up. It was gross and we found mold in the padding. This is why the floor has to be sanded.

Whisper is on the bus. We was running behind this morning.

Thinking I might do some exercising today.

Tuesday

Working out is not always the easiest thing for me but I want to feel better so that means getting my time in each day. I'm going to do a 5K this Saturday. Looking forward to it. I do enjoy jogging more than walking but my treadmill is old and doesn't go fast enough for me to run on it.
Well it's time to get the fiancee up out of bed and ready for work. I've had his lunch box ready for 30 mins now not sure why I've got energy this morning but I better use it before I lose it.

Monday morning

Well I can't beleive how sick I felt yesterday. A cyst on both ovaries. I'm really hoping that they can use medicine to remove them. I'm so tired from this pain medication it's all I can do to stay awake to get Whisper up.
Trying the new crystal light pure fitness hoping that will help with my loss of electrolytes through the day.
Hopefully I remember to call the dr today or Nathen will be upset.
I'll post more later need to get Whipser around.

Did 20 mins on my treadmill. Now of course I need a pain pill but I'm okay.
 Took Whisper to the dentist today and now I'm home doing laundry again.

Easter Sunday

We are going to church missed early morning services because we over slept. Going to normal service then go to my Aunts for Easter dinner. Should be an interesting afternoon.

New House

I really like our new house now that we are getting it all put together. It's nice to have a real back yard. Can't wait to get it fenced in for the dogs. They will love it.

Move

So excited to be moving this weekend. We will be in a bigger house and Nathen and I's bedroom is really big. I've got a bigger kitchen and an actual laundry room. The best part is that the girls no longer have to share rooms.
Found some nice stuff on Amazon to decorate the house with, excited to be able to decorate a house without the landlord getting mad.

Friday

It's Friday morning and again the dog wakes me up scared of the stupid trash truck. Now of course I'm awake and have been since 4am. At least I can get everything done early today. I'll clean my kitchen and do some laundry before everyone wakes up.  Dad is going to take the girls fishing today so that will be nice. We get to meet the new landlord today and pay our rent for April so we can get moved in on time.

Wensday

Well I did it I signed up for college online. I'm sharing with my friends but I'm not going to tell my parents till I get my degree. I want to suprise them. I hope they will be proud of me.
Nathen hopes I can do it.
Going to do anything to help my friend I can. I found 2 possible jobs for her and going to see what else I can find for her. She needs out of that enviroment. She's always been there for me so it's my turn to return the favor.

Dad

I hope my parents are okay. Dad had a doctors appt this morning in St. Louis to see how things are going. I hope it's all great, although I bet they will say something about all the weight he has put on.

Girls

Whisper is having so much fun with the Wii. I'm glad we have it. Jessie's friend Mackenzie came over and of course they are ignoring Whisper.

Packing

With only a little over a week to go I've got a lot of packing to go. Gonna get started as soon as the kids get up. So glad we're gonna be moving into a bigger place. The girls get their own rooms and our room will be on the other side of  the house. I'll post more as it gets done.

God answers prayers.

God answered our prayers tonight. The landlord agreed to use our deposit as our last months rent. Then the new landlord called. We have the house and we can start moving in a little over a week.
God is so amazing I'm not sure how to express my emotions of happiness.

Jessie's Older Half-Sister.

Last night Jessie talk to her sister Liz for the first time. She was so happy she started crying. I can't beleive their bio father said Jessie was adopted. My first reaction was anger but now I'm calm and realize he only hurt himself.
I can't wait for the girls to get to meet. Maybe one weekend we can meet halfway and the kids can get to see each other in person.

Moving

I really hate moving. I'm scared to death about us being able to afford another house. I found one I like but now I can't get a hold of that landlord. It's 3 bedroom which would be so nice. It also had a big yard and that's something I really want for the kids and the 2 dogs.
I have been appling for jobs but so far no luck. Maybe the right one will come along soon.
Nathen is working so hard and he has to come home and see which mood I'm in every night. I don't know which mood I'm going to be in.
This move is really hard on all of us. I've got to get some more tubs so I can pack some more stuff up. We have to be out by the last day of March.
I just pray God helps because I'm lost.

Routine

Bolt woke us up at 4:30 am this morning. He has his schedule and that's what he wants. When he comes in from going he wants water and food there. At least I alway know what he wants. So now here I am awake again.
Went to Christy's bday party last night. We had a lot of fun. I got to see Scott and Angie, Brenda and Terry, Tasha and her kids, Shane and Leah and their kids. It was nice to see everyone.
Going to see my friend Kim today. It's been along time since I've been up there. I'm really looking forward to it.
Got Bob Harpers book and Jillian Michaels yoga dvd in the mail last night. Gonna try the dvd here in a little bit and then I'm gonna get started on reading the book.
I've decided to start trying natural cleaners. Baking soda and vinegar will clean almost anything. I want to try this sugar scrub for your skin. Maybe it will help my dry skin.
This new medicine seems to really be working, unfortunatly though it gives me cotton mouth. Oh well makes me drink more water.

Prayers

God does listen to our prayers. My friend's husband found a job it took awhile but we had to wait on the right one to come along.
I've been praying trying to figure out how we are going to get moved on time.
I would like to ask for all that read this to please pray for us. We only have until March 31 to find and move into a new home. The main problem is coming up with enough money. I know God will help us.

God will help us with getting this child custody battle done as well. We don't want to take the boy from his mom, his dad just wants to see him as well.

Learning to Relax

Issues are only complex when you fail to see their simple side. 
Learning to relax is very hard for me. I guess what I need to do is start with meditation.

Monday

Not ready to start a new week but here we go again.

I've been feeling this strange pull about moving maybe we need a new start. I'm just not sure anymore. I really don't understand why David my pastor wants to speak with my landlord. It seems so odd. I hope all goes well. I must admit I'm curious but I refuse to pry into this God is guiding him and that is what is important.

Looking for stay at home jobs so that I don't have to deal with people.

FEAR OF CHANGE

From LOSING IT! With Jillian Michaels


Friday, February 26, 2010





Fear of Change

Fear of change can keep you in a soul-crushing job, a bad relationship, or a physically destructive lifestyle. Ask yourself: Is the devil-you-know approach really good enough for you? Is your life making you happy? If you answered no to either of those questions, WHAT do you have to lose by embracing change?



The truth is, things should be changing — your body is changing, your habits are changing, your attitude is changing. This might be the point where, because of so much change, you're starting to freak out a little bit. You might be asking yourself, What will all this change mean — to my life's direction, my relationships, my identity?



I can't stress enough how important it is to resist any pressure you may be feeling from others to stop improving your habits or to remain a certain size. And don't worry if your spouse, family members, or friends aren't on board with your plans. You can't control them. They'll change if and when they want to change. Take care of yourself first.



Maybe you're afraid you won't know how to love yourself if you're not a certain size. Many people are buried in their weight, not knowing who they would be without it. This is especially a risk if you've never identified yourself as "skinny." Don't be afraid of what you'll be like when you're thinner. Feel the fear and do it anyway! And don't sabotage your efforts because you don't deem yourself worthy — you are SO deserving of achieving your weight-loss goal! Let's dig deep, get our hands dirty, and do this. What is there to be afraid of when you're healthy — besides living the life you're supposed to lead? When you're overweight and uncomfortable, there is so much less you can do, and you always live with the threat of having a stroke, developing type 2 diabetes, or getting cancer. Obviously, a lot more risks are involved if you give up and stay stuck instead of making changes.



The only thing that's holding you back from achieving your dreams is YOU. Believe in yourself, and stop letting your excuses keep you from living. Screw surviving — it's time to thrive!

Mornings

Not sure why I'm up so early in the morning. Usually after I put the dogs out I can go right back to sleep not this morning. Guess my routine is set I got over an hour more than I do through the week.

Signed up for AdSense but no one checks out my blog so guess no money there. Maybe that will change soon.

I'm going to find an online job for extra money. We really need it right now.

Mood

Well the doctor has been really messing with my meds so I feel better but sometimes it just makes me feel odd. Glad to know that it's my thyroid and the other med for night seems to be working as well.
Yesterday was a really bad day. I think all I did was sleep. I'm hoping to have a better day today.

Jan. 28,2010

Nathen was right as usual I should have been listening to music all along. It helps me relax and get things done. Might even get some of the house cleaned today.

Nice little mix from Elvis, Savage Garden, Evanesence to Merle. It keeps me calm. Helps calm my brain. It has a tendancy to get ahead of me and then the panic attacks start. Maybe I need to make this part of my therapy everyday. I feel like I've lost who I am and I don't like that. I want to be able to enjoy my time with the kids and Nathen, but I can't all I seem to want to do is sleep. Well sort of sleep I lay on the couch with my eyes closed and want to be left alone. I don't sleep in the day I'm still not sleeping of a night I wish they could figure out what is wrong with me. I've tried the ambien but I still wake up constantly. I'm not sure what to do. Thank goodness for this blog. I need to get back into venting each day cause my head goes faster than I can write so typing is best. Done for now.

New Day

It's a new day and I'm going to start over today. I'm keeping good track of what is coming in but not so well on the exercise. I'm going to feel better. That is my goal. Goal#1 is drop a jean size. I just want to take small steps until I hit the final goal.

I will do this. Now that's a better attitude.
I wasn't able to all of Jillian's dvd. My asthma hit hard had to stop for awhile.

New Year

Well it's a new year. I always say I'm going to get in shape and start eating right. Well I started early this time. I've changed how I eat by adding more of what I need and less of what I don't.
I workout 3 days a week with a pilates and yoga dvd. It's already made my back feel better. Definitly more flexible.
Maybe even a little better outlook on things.
I still can't handle crowds, and sometimes I'm still afraid to go outside. The doctor gave me some new medicine to try and see if it helps better. We will just have to wait and see.